I am a lesbian, he is a gay; We met and made love just “that way”.
I opened my eyes with a ray of sun falling over my face, brightening the whole room enriched with the fragrance of rose petals and lily. I realized myself somewhere else, a white cover over me, some strange body lying naked by my side. Thunderstrucked!! I did… I did with a man. No, it wasn’t meant to. I am a lesbian. My parents knew this. My brother, my mother, my dad. How could they do this to me??
A shiver ran over my body. Lisa… What will she think? I am unfaithful...I backstabbed her…Really?? I? Me? To my dear Lisa?? How could I? What should I do now? Unconsciously biting my nails…my left hand running over my hair, my right hand searching for my top. Dress myself!! Yes, first bloody dress myself and then run. Run where? To Lisa? To my family? To whom? How come I don’t remember anything? Yes…, yes they did tried to dress me like a bride…but I opposed. Yes, I remember I opposed. But? But, what then? What happened?
There were sound. Beating of drums, women dancing, wearing heavy jewels, costly accessories, bright and shimmery clothes. I don’t know what is happening. I have to run. Anyhow. Anywhere. It’s my love. My love for Lisa. My love for our relationship. My love for the bond we share past 6 years. My love for being in her tender arms. My love to feel cozy lying close to her. My love to sniff her hair, roll my hands over her ears. My love for the tender touch of hers that lighten up my soul and brighten up my day. My love for her. My love for my love. My love Lisa.
I ran from there…holding my purse tight to myself, tying my hair…I wish I could strangle myself with them. How can I?? Unfaithful? Yes, I am unfaithful. But? Towards whom? Towards my husband? Or towards my love? I love Lisa….more than anything in my life. And my husband? How is he my husband? I don’t even damn remember what had happened.
Confess. Confession of my love. Confession of my identity. Confession of myself. Yes, this is exactly what I need. But, to whom? My parents. No, they know. They know my truth. Bells. I could hear bells ringing. Church it is. I must move towards church. I will confess my sin to God. My sin? Yes, my sin. I ran….bent down in the church. No, I am not Christian. But, Lisa is. And, I love my Lisa. I have to confess. Confess my sin that I am a les… less fortunate human being. I am trans… transferring my soul to God. I am hom…hom…I am homosexual. I am a lesbian. I am a transgender. I do love a girl. Is that my sin? Is loving someone from your same gender a sin? No, it isn’t. It cannot be. My sin is that I married a guy. Yes. Yes? But, I didn’t. I don’t even remember. Was the marriage forced?? Was I raped?? God!! Please call me to yourself and bless my Lisa.
I ran again….towards…towards my home….towards my husband’s home. I knocked the door. He opened and turned his back towards me. His eyes were red. He had tears. He went inside and sat on the bed and called my name. I heard my name (lovingly). After a long time, someone except Lisa called me with love. The love I was longing for. The love only Lisa could provide. He initiated with an “I…” and stopped. Why? Please speak. Say something. Move ahead. Carry on. But, he didn’t. Maybe, he is scared. Maybe, he is afraid. Maybe. Maybe not. There was something. I wanted to hold his hand. Hug him. No, it’s not that I love him. No, but there was something. I was concerned. I wanted to say I am with you. Keeping all the chain of thoughts aside, I decided, I have to confess. I gathered my spirit and said “Listen….I want to talk”. He showed his approval. A little perturbed he was, I could see this. I could see this in his eyes. I continued, “Pranav...I am not what you want. I am not like that. I am different. I am not “normal”. I am unlike other girls. I love. I do love, but, a girl. I am a lesbian. I am a girl. I am…”. He interrupted. He gathered the lost courage. He gathered the same belief. He gathered something which was lacking earlier. He continued, “I knew we are innocent”. I was shocked. Amazed. We are innocent? What does he mean? But I didn’t say a word…he realized though. Maybe. Maybe, he read my eyes. Maybe he read my soul. Maybe he read me. He said, “Jasleen, I am gay. But, I am proud. I love Kunal. I love my Boyfriend. I don’t love you. Even you don’t love me. We did nothing. We are innocent. We are innocent.” I was hurt. I don’t know why. Not because I felt “love” for him. Not because he love someone else. Not because he loves a guy. Not because we are both same yet so different. But, because we need to prove. We need to prove our innocence. We need to prove ourselves. He said, “We are normal. They are not. We will live our life the way we want. We are together to choose and move towards our different paths. We will stand together and fight. We don’t love each other this way, we love ‘that way’.”
We hugged each other and cried. I was feeling good. I was feeling “human”. I was loving our love ‘that way’. I now realized why I could read his eyes. Why I was able to understand his unspoken words. Why I was able to relate to him. We didn’t had the first night. It was all a lie. A conspiracy adopted by our parents. Just because they wanted us to live a NORMAL life. What is normal? Are 3rd genders not normal? Are we alienated from our country? Does no one else in this world is allowed to live a so-called “normalized” life just because they don’t have heterosexual desires. Just because we love our same sex.
I cannot marry Lisa. He cannot marry Kunal. This is what our Constitution says. But no power on this earth can oust my love for Lisa. No one can make me ‘love’ the other sex. No one has the right to choose my destiny. Not my parents. Not the society. Not the constitution. I am what I am and I love the way I am.
I heard someone whispering “I think they are getting normal. Our plan worked”. I smiled in his arms. Because only we know the bond we share. The bond of companionship. The bond of understanding. The bond of similarity. The bond of equality. The bond only he and I can share. The bond away from the hypothetical thinking of this society, the bond away from the validation of article 377,the bond away from the .naturalization’ of our society. I will call our bond unnatural, though our custom allows this but our wisdom don’t. The unnatural truth of customs but the natural bond of wisdom. It’s hard to understand but we did make ‘love’, the other way. We did make love “that way”.